Domestic Violence Awareness Month: What We Can Do For Others

Self esteem can be a factor in why we might accept unhealthy relationships or maltreatment from the people in our lives. When people don’t value themselves, an abuser can take advantage of these negative feelings and twist them to their advantage.

Check out this video by one of our Social Media Health and Leadership interns, 

Daniella, about positive self worth in relationships

This isn’t to say that victims and survivors are to blame for their experiences with abuse. Leaving an abusive relationship can be extremely challenging, especially when the individual’s finances or personal lives are codependent. If we blame victims and survivors, we are letting the abuser win by not holding them accountable. Blasting out messages of empowerment and support for survivors and victims of abuse can be a great step. Equally important, is being an advocate for those who can't speak up for themselves by intervening.

Knowing the signs of unhealthy relationships means that you have the power to intervene. By simply saying something like “That’s not cool” when someone is verbally demeaning to their partner, or bringing up your concern for a friend or family member with I-statements like “I feel uncomfortable when your partner calls you all the time to check in, I don’t think he trusts you and that’s not fair.”

The "Bystander Effect" will commonly discourage us from intervening in situation we know are doing harm to others because we think things like "It's not my business" or "Someone else will say something." Too often, no one will say anything till it's too late. Here are some tips for intervening:

• Keep yourself safe - don't take on anything that will put yourself in danger. 
• If violence seems imminent, call authorities. Avoid using violence as an intervention strategy
• Be direct and specific as possible about the behavior that you disapprove.
• Recruit help, like friends, when necessary.
• Make up a distraction to give the potential victim an out

Author: Morgen Snowadzky, Ujima Intern

Relevant resources:

If things don’t feel right, something is probably not right. Loveisrespect.org offers free, confidential online chatting to talk to someone about concerns around dating violence.OR Call the local help line at Women Against Abuse (1-866-723-3014)

Recommended Reads:

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/teaching-your-teen-manage-expectations-anger-and-resentment

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/getting-past-honeymoon-phase-0

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/establishing-boundaries-new-dating-partner

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/safety-with-abusive-partner/

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/depression-and-partner-abuse/ 

http://youngwomenshealth.org/2011/06/02/healthy-relationships/
http://nomore.org/bystander-basics/ 

Social Media Boost:

If you read any of the recommended articles please share one of those links or the link to this article on your social media accounts & tag us using @phillyujima!

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: What We Can Do For Ourselves & Our Partners

All of these facts about the wide variety of abuses and the wide variety of victims might seem like an insurmountable problem, but we have the power to change things on an individual level by promoting healthy relationships in our own lives. There is a whole spectrum of ways our partners or ourselves might be creating unhealthy relationship habits. Noticing these habits before they get worse is the first step to changing them.

We might know the things we don’t want - not being hit, not being controlled, not being raped and not being threatened - but do we know what we do want? There are two major concepts that make up a healthy relationship, along with a lot of other factors that are related:

Communication and Sharing: Open communication allows you to share things with someone in order to develop intimacy. If you are confident that the other person won’t lie or withhold information, there’s no need for intrusive checking-in or threats. Additionally, communication is the way to make positive changes in a relationship by talking about what might not be going well.

Respect and Trust: Open communication and sharing likely depends upon a foundation of respect and trust. Mutual respect allows you to work through conflicts and disagreements with the people in your life, without resorting to violence because you respect them and their opinions/choices. Trust is not only trusting that someone is being truthful, but it also involves trusting that someone respects you enough to do their best to be a good friend, partner or family member.

With these foundations under your belt, developing a healthy relationship with respected boundaries, clear expectations for communication and open dialogue about physical contact should be smooth sailing.

Read more on our next post "What We Can Do For Others" coming to the blog on Tuesday!

Author: Morgen Snowadzky, Ujima Intern

Relevant resources:

If things don’t feel right, something is probably not right. Loveisrespect.org offers free, confidential online chatting to talk to someone about concerns around dating violence.OR Call the local help line at Women Against Abuse (1-866-723-3014)

Recommended Reads:

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/teaching-your-teen-manage-expectations-anger-and-resentment

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/getting-past-honeymoon-phase-0

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/establishing-boundaries-new-dating-partner

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/safety-with-abusive-partner/

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/depression-and-partner-abuse/ 

http://youngwomenshealth.org/2011/06/02/healthy-relationships/

Social Media Boost:

If you read any of the recommended articles please share one of those links or the link to this article on your social media accounts & tag us using @phillyujima!

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: The Things We See, Don't See & Choose Not To See

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month! Domestic Violence awareness month is important for all of us, even if we don't realize it. Our assumptions about what counts as violence may limit the way we detect violence in our own lives or in the lives of those around us. 

If we picture physical injuries as the tell tale sign of abuse, we are not seeing all the other types of abuse that aren’t physical abuse. Different forms of abuse tend to overlap, such as the use of physical force in sexual abuse. Here are some quick definitions of different types of abuse:

• Physical Abuse: Includes any unwanted and intentional contact with you, such as grabbing your arm, forcing you to stay close, or pulling your hair, as well as using a weapon against you and explicit attacks on your person.
• Sexual Abuse: Similar to physical abuse, it includes unwanted physical contact but in a sexual situation. This includes but is not limited to rape, unwanted kissing or touching, or keeping someone from being safe in the form of refusing to use protection.
• Emotional/Verbal Abuse: Includes a wide range of non-physical acts like threats to use sexual or physical force, name-calling, excessive contact, and humiliation.
• Digital Abuse: The internet and mobile phones have created a new opportunity for communication but also for intense monitoring and sexting. Digital abusers use social media and other digital outlets to intimidate, insult and limit the mobility of their partner.

Video by one of our wonderful Social Media Health & Leadership Internship participants from this summer, Tierra Hammond, about emotional abuse. Notice how her abuser tries to make her feel stupid and less valuable than other people. Consider how it would be difficult to notice this abuse if she wasn't writing the words on her body.

If we can agree that there is a wide range of ways abusers are abusing people, then hopefully we can also agree that abusers abuse all sorts of people and all sorts of relationships can be unhealthy. We often think about men abusing women who are their partners. Though women are most often the victim and men are most often the perpetrator, this does not mean that gay and lesbian couples do not have their share of unhealthy relationships or that women cannot abuse their partners who might be men. Additionally, all forms of abuse are not limited to romantic relationships. Abusers may victimize their friends and family members using the same techniques as they would with a romantic partner. Abuse is a behavior pattern of the abuser, and is not directly related to the victim's behavior.

Read more on our next post "What We Can Do For Ourselves & Our Partners" coming to the blog on Thursday!

Author: Morgen Snowadzky, Ujima Intern

Relevant resources:

If things don’t feel right, something is probably not right. Loveisrespect.org offers free, confidential online chatting to talk to someone about concerns around dating violence.

Recommended Reads:

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/teaching-your-teen-manage-expectations-anger-and-resentment

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/getting-past-honeymoon-phase-0

http://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/establishing-boundaries-new-dating-partner

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/safety-with-abusive-partner/

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/depression-and-partner-abuse/ 

http://youngwomenshealth.org/2011/06/02/healthy-relationships/

Social Media Boost:

If you read any of the recommended articles please share one of those links or the link to this article on your social media accounts & tag us using @phillyujima!